


The Missing Piece

by ellebeedarling



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Developing Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, MEBB18, Mild Angst, Modern AU, One Night Stands, Past Shepard/Liara T'Soni, single dads
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-16 04:00:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14803952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellebeedarling/pseuds/ellebeedarling
Summary: Two strangers meet and share a night of passion. Three months later, they meet again under radically different circumstances. Kaidan, the sexy stranger Shepard’s been fantasizing about for months, turns out to be Mr. Alenko, his daughter’s second-grade teacher. Their lives become inextricably woven as the school year progresses, and putting a face, a person, with the name, makes it much more difficult for Shepard to relegate the object of his fantasies into a seedy corner of his mind. During their time spent together, John learns many things about himself, about life, and about love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is just another silly, fluffy, smutty piece of my foolishness. I enjoyed branching into the world of modern AU with this story. I've been sitting on this one for awhile. It just needed tweaking and updating. I'll probably come back and add a sequel or two - chapters taken from a long fic I wrote about these two but never felt satisfied enough with to post. 
> 
> Thank you to my amazing art partner [Soltheimart](http://solstheimart.tumblr.com)! She really outdid herself with the quality and quantity of art pieces for this story! I'm floored, honestly. It was such a joy to work with you, my dear! 
> 
> A huge shout-out to my amazing beta [sparkly_butthole](https://mshenkoaddiction.tumblr.com/)!! You always come through for me, my love, and help turn my ramblings into a lovely story! I wouldn't have done this without your encouragement!! <3

_[Art by Solstheimart](http://solstheimart.tumblr.com/post/174631145231/i-had-the-absolute-pleasure-of-working-with) _

 

There are moments in a man’s life where he realizes the exact place he fucked up and took a wrong turn. Nine times out of ten he wishes he could have a do-over, but there’s always that one time where he has absolutely no regrets other than the awkwardness of his moment of awakening.

 

Shepard’s having a moment like that right this minute.

 

It started as a normal day - get up, drop Ash at school, book it across town to the base to sit behind his desk divvying orders all day long - benched after taking a shot to the shoulder in Afghanistan. The difference today is that there’s a parent/teacher conference after school, so John had gotten his twin, Jane, to pick Ash up from school while he booked it back across town to meet with Mr. Alenko at 3:30.

 

Opening the door to Normandy Elementary, Shepard was blasted with the scent of Play-Doh, pencil erasers, and institutionalized food. He also experienced a faint wave of nostalgia, remembering his own school days, though he’d hated being cooped up inside a building as a kid. The teacher was always busting him for staring out the window and daydreaming, but he’d managed to excel despite that. He’d gotten good grades, participated in school sports, was popular and well-liked. Boredom had been his constant companion in school, and he knew that it was the source of many of his troubles. Unfortunately, his feisty daughter had inherited a similar stubborn streak two miles wide from both her parents.

 

It was probably something he’d have to bring up with Mr. Alenko, but as he’d opened the door to Ashley’s classroom, he’d stopped dead in his tracks, forgetting everything except the memory of _Mr. Alenko’s_ liquid brown eyes and oh-so-kissable lips.

 

“Kaidan,” he finally sputters.

 

“John?” Mr. Alenko sounds equally surprised. There’s a moment of embarrassment, both men flushing bright pink before eyes are averted and feet are shuffled.

 

Shepard’s glued to the spot, unable to will his feet into forward motion. His gaze dances around the room, from the globe on top of the file cabinet, to the Alliance flag in the corner, to the bulletin board with pictures of every snaggle-toothed kid in Mr. Alenko’s second-grade class at Normandy Elementary. He spots Ash in all her freckle-faced glory, pigtails off-kilter, probably due to wrestling at recess on picture day. There’s even a smudge of dirt on her cheek, and a tsunami of love and pride swells in Shepard’s chest. He’s never loved anyone the way he loves that little girl - which is probably why he is currently divorced from her mother - but the joy he feels as he thinks about Ash is swiftly replaced with discomfiture when his eyes finally rest on Kaidan - _Mr. Alenko_ \- again. _Damn!_ He would never have seen this coming in a million years.

 

_[Art by Soltheimart](http://solstheimart.tumblr.com/post/174631145231/i-had-the-absolute-pleasure-of-working-with) _

 

He swallows, unable to find his voice. Thankfully, Kaidan rescues him. “Won’t you have a seat, Mr. Shepard?” It sounds so fucking formal, and a shiver races through John’s body as he remembers the last time he’d heard that voice, softer and less commanding, but no less sexy, all rough and honey-laced.

 

John sits.

 

Kaidan shuffles papers around on his desk.

 

The air is heavy with the unspoken thing - the elephant in the room. It’s been three months since Shepard’s one and only encounter with Kaidan Alenko.

 

In the most cliche, Hollywood-scripted moment of his life, he’d met Kaidan at a bar near the base - eyes meeting across the room, guts twisting with arousal and anticipation at the clear look of want in the other man’s eyes. They’d met on the dancefloor, barely making it to the end of one song, and then it had been a mad dash outside, scrambling and stumbling into the backseat of Kaidan’s Toyota. It had been fast and filthy, and so goddamned hot, and Shepard hasn’t stopped thinking about the encounter for more than five minutes at a time for the last three fucking months.

 

The memory of that night is burned indelibly into his mind - the taste of Kaidan’s mouth, the feel of hard muscle and smooth skin beneath his fingers, the slide of Kaidan’s dick between his lips. Shepard’s had dreams about that night, waking up hard and sticky and aching so much that it was painful to take himself in hand in order to relieve his misery. How many nights has he lain awake thinking about those brown eyes, that sinful mouth, that smoky voice? How many times has he cursed himself for not getting the man’s number? And now, he sits here across from those lips that he’s yearning to taste again, and of all the shitty luck in the universe, the man is his kid’s second-grade teacher.

 

Words like _unethical, unprofessional,_ and _favoritism_ roll around in his mind, matching the churning tide of his stomach, so John reigns in his emotions, forces a smile to his face. “A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Alenko,” he says, leaning across the desk and offering his hand to shake. The unbidden recollection of that smooth palm curled around his cock flashes through his mind, but he stomps it down with brutality and turns on his military persona in order to make it through this blasted meeting.

 

He thinks Kaidan looks relieved to be moving past the uncomfortableness of the previous moments. Kaidan clears his throat and taps the edge of a bundle of papers against his desk to tidy them before stapling them and passing the packet to Shepard.

 

“Any chance I could get another one of these? For Ash’s mom?”

 

Kaidan pales, looking decidedly green around the edges as his horror-stricken eyes meet Shepard’s. John’s confusion lasts a beat too long, and Kaidan just stares at him, mouth ajar, until Shepard finally realizes what the problem is.

 

“Divorced,” John says, with half a grin. “Liara… My ex-wife is an archaeologist and curator of antiquities. She travels a lot, so she isn’t always able to make it back to town for things like this.”

 

Kaidan looks like a deflated balloon as he slumps back into his chair - rumpled, saggy, and limp. John’s not sure whether he finds this sudden flash of morals endearing or annoying. The man had no qualms about fucking a perfect stranger in the backseat of his Corolla without asking for more than a first name, but suddenly the idea that that same stranger might have been married has him ready to shit his pants. Shepard shakes his head and flips disinterestedly through the sheaf of papers in his hands while Kaidan hastily prepares another packet for Liara. Shepard takes these as well and sets them on his lap with the others.

 

“So?”

 

“Hm? Oh…” Kaidan blows out a stream of nervous air and runs a trembling hand through his hair. “Can we just…”

 

John sighs. “We’re both adults here, Kaidan… er, Mr. Alenko.” John grits his teeth in annoyance. “It happened. It doesn’t have to happen again. You have a job to do, and so do I, so could we just get on with this? Ash has soccer practice in an hour, and I still have to swing by the grocery store to pick up dinner.” He glances at his watch, cringes, then looks back at Mr. Alenko expectantly.

 

“Mr. Shepard-”

 

“It’s Commander, actually. Lieutenant Commander John Shepard, Alliance Navy.”

 

Kaidan nods, grins half-heartedly. “I did a stint in the Marine Corps, myself.”

 

“Hoo-rah,” Shepard says with a genuine smile. He likes this seemingly nervous guy, though he suspects that the man is much more self-confident under normal circumstances. One-night, backseat fucks are supposed to remain one-night, backseat fucks, not come waltzing into your place of employment in fatigues and combat boots asking for an extra set of class supply lists, field trip dates, and PTA meeting information for his ex-wife. Shepard totally gets Kaidan’s - _fuck!_ Mr. Alenko’s - discomposure at the moment.

 

Kaidan returns the genuine smile, and for half a second, John lets himself get lost in the recurring memory of that night - whiskey-scented breath ghosting over his sweat-slicked skin, desperate moans filling the space as the car rocks violently in time with the thrusting of their hips. He blinks, swallows, and coughs the memory away as his focus returns. He finds that Kaidan’s cheeks are slightly flushed as if he, too, might have just been swept up in the same memories.

 

With trembling fingers, Shepard pulls a notepad out of the front pocket of his shirt. “There are a couple things I wanted you to be aware of,” he says, no longer able to meet Alenko’s eyes. This will be easier if he just gets it over with. He warns Mr. Alenko that his daughter gets bored easily and is prone to acting out in class whenever that happens. He’s very concerned with Ash’s lack of stimulation in school being labeled as problematic. The smile Alenko offers - all condescension and exasperation - rankles Shepard. “I’m sure you’ve heard all this before,” Shepard concedes, “but you can hardly blame me for being concerned about it. It’s happened the last two years. Ashley’s not a trouble-maker. Just an intelligent, spirited girl, with an imagination that gives her mother and I a run for our money. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t dismiss my concerns out of hand.”

 

Kaidan looks appropriately chastened, and assures Shepard that he has systems in place - a reading nook, a STEM resource center, and various areas for free-play and creative outlet - set up around the room to offer those who finish their work quickly the opportunity to use their time in other ways besides sitting at their desks dreaming up ways to cause trouble. Alenko also believes that children need more exercise than they receive during a typical school day, and to that end, plans many hands-on activities better suited to being outdoors than in. This information comforts Shepard and appeases that paternal instinct to protect his daughter from anyone who might look down on her, and he leaves the meeting feeling that Mr. Alenko will be a good fit for Ashley.

 


	2. Chapter 2

John struggles to corral Ash’s wild curls into a ponytail while the girl chomps at the bit to get out onto the soccer field. “Hold still,” he barks, and Ash does, but only for a moment before she’s wiggling in place again. Her hair looks like a five-year-old fixed it as she scampers toward the field the second he drops his hands. John sighs, “Why the hell do I bother?”

 

“It’s out of her face so she can focus on playing. That’s all she cares about.”

 

Shepard glances at his sister then back to the pack of kids running and screaming through the grass. He absolutely does not envy the coach who’s going to have to herd them into something resembling an actual team, here in a few minutes. A moment passes, then he’s nodding his head in agreement with Jane. Ash is all boundless energy and enthusiastic smiles as she bounces around the field trying to steal the black and white ball with her foot. John’s been looking forward to this since the first time Ash had mentioned that she wanted to play. As a kid, sports had been his thing. Soccer, football, basketball - it didn’t matter so long as he was moving. Ash is so very much like him in that regard. It frustrates Liara that her daughter can’t be more mild-mannered and demure like she herself is. Shepard had always countered that Ash might be more like her if she’d bothered to be around more often. That was the argument that had led to the divorce.

 

Liara’s work means everything to her. John had always played second fiddle to it. And once Ashley came along, their daughter had pushed him into the third-string bracket. He’d never minded taking a backseat to Ashley, but when Ashley still took a backseat to work, well, Shepard had some rather ardent opinions about that. For the first three years of Ash’s life, they’d fought more than they’d fucked, and when Liara came home after an eight-week stint in some jungle in Peru or somewhere and told him that she’d met someone else, John was more relieved than hurt or angry.

 

Their parting was surprisingly amicable, and they still work together to put on a united front for Ash. It isn’t her fault that her parents can’t get along, after all. Though John despises Liara’s new husband - a blow-hard named Javik who constantly refers to Shepard’s life and career as ‘primitive’ - he aims to keep his damn mouth shut and his opinions to himself. He supposes it’s a lucky break for him that Javik shows as little interest in parenting as Liara, herself, does. That means that Shepard is a full-time dad and soldier, and his twin steps in to play the supporting role far more often than Liara does. When Liara is in town long enough to take Ash for a weekend or so, Ashley is always so thrilled to be returning to her own home and space where she doesn’t need to pretend to be interested in things she’s not. The only trait of Liara’s that Ashley had seemingly inherited was her love of poetry, and more often than not, instead of bedtime stories, John reads Shel Silverstein, Robert Frost, and Emily Dickinson to her every night before bed.  

 

John freezes then remembers to breathe a beat too late when he sees Mr. Alenko slowly crossing the green with a raven-haired boy - almost a carbon copy of himself. Kaidan’s hand is on the boy’s head, and though the kid is staring at the ground, they’re both smiling, probably laughing about some inside joke or other. Jane notices that he’s gone stiff for a minute before he can correct it and resume his casual soccer-watching stance.

 

“Who’s that?” she asks, green eyes narrowing in suspicion. They look nothing alike, John and his twin sister. John looks like their dad; Jane looks like their mom. John is tall and broad-shouldered, with black hair and sapphire eyes; Jane is short and petite, with red hair and emerald eyes. Everyone says it’s uncanny how two people from the same womb can look so completely different; John and Jane just think this is the way they are.

 

“Ash’s teacher,” John says, knowing he can never get away with lying to his twin.

 

“He an asshole or something?”

 

“No.” John ignores Kaidan Alenko and looks for Ash. He spots her bouncing on her toes in front of a tiny woman with loud tattoos and a shaved head. He grins, recognizing the grit and spunk the woman will need if she has any hope of taming this group of wild mustangs.

 

“Then why’d you tense up like that?”

 

“He’s hot, alright? Shit! Can’t I check a guy out without getting the third degree?” John meets his twin’s suspicious glare and holds it with his own annoyed glare, and it’s a stalemate - just like always. Their mom always complains that they’re the two most stubborn people she’s ever encountered. John and Jane don’t bother to contradict her.

 

Kaidan stops within earshot of the twins, as his Mini-Me sprints out to join the other kids on the field. After a brief hesitation, he turns toward them, “Commander Shepard. Good to see you again.”

 

John shakes the man’s hand, feels his sister’s elbow gouging into his ribs. “Likewise,” he says, then: “This is my twin sister, Jane Shepard. Janie, this is Ash’s teacher, Mr. Alenko.”

 

“Kaidan,” Alenko corrects, eyes flickering toward John briefly, “and it’s a pleasure to meet you, Jane.”

 

“Likewise,” she echoes John, then turns a curious eye on him. “Well, I’d love to stay and chat, but I have a date with Vega tonight.”

 

John actually growls. “I told that meathead that if he didn’t keep his ham-hands off of my sister I’d cut his dick off Monday morning.”

 

Jane shoots him a withering look. “If you ruined my chances of getting laid, I’ll cut _your_ dick off Monday morning!”

 

With a laugh, John slings an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close for a hug and a peck on the forehead. “Thanks for picking Ash up for me and dropping her here.”

 

“Anytime. See you later.”

 

The two men watch her go before tensing and turning back to face the soccer field. John’s phone buzzes in his pocket a moment later, and he checks the text from Janie.

 

_Spill. What’s the deal with you two_

 

Sighing, John rubs his forehead, trying desperately not to look at Kaidan who’s standing close enough to make John sweat. The muggy, late-summer air feels particularly drowning just now. It’s full of the heavy fragrance of fresh-cut grass, sweaty children, and Kaidan’s cologne. John’s tempted to put some distance between himself and Kaidan so that he can think. He doesn’t though, just types out a quick response:

 

_Corolla_

 

The response from Jane comes through quickly:

 

_LMFAO!_

 

_You don’t get laid in, what? 4 years? And your 1 one-night stand turns out to be your kid’s teacher?_

 

John grumbles a curse under his breath, and Kaidan quietly asks, “Huh?” Shaking his head, John recalls that it had been more than four years. He and Liara had ceased any marital relations long before their marriage ended.

 

“Sisters,” he finally says aloud with contempt, then texts Janie: _Fuck you!_

 

_[Art by Soltheimart](http://solstheimart.tumblr.com/post/174631145231/i-had-the-absolute-pleasure-of-working-with) _

 

“I’m an only child myself,” Kaidan admits.

 

 _Figures_ , John thinks, but only grunts noncommittally.

 

“So, I guess we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other than we anticipated,” Kaidan remarks, shading his eyes to watch the kids lining up for passing drills.

 

John wants to point out they’ve already seen a lot more of each other than they anticipated but doesn’t say it. He reckons it doesn’t need to be said. Then his mind is full of burning skin and blistering kisses, Kaidan’s decadent lips on his cock. He pulls the brim of his uniform cap down to block out more of the blaring sunshine. “Guess so,” he finally responds.

 

“That’s my son, David,” Kaidan points at the shaggy-haired boy he’d arrived with.

 

John feels irritable for some inexplicable reason. For months he’s been thinking of Kaidan, fantasizing about Kaidan as he jerks off to fall asleep, or in the morning when he wakes, or in the shower after a workout. It was easier when he could relegate Kaidan into a seedy corner of his mind. ‘The guy he’d fucked in the backseat of a Toyota’ was much easier to over-sexualize than ‘Mr. Alenko, Ashley’s second-grade teacher.’ He feels a bit slimy when he thinks too hard about it, so he tries not to think too hard about it. Kaidan is blinking at him with impossibly gorgeous eyes, something hopeful brimming around the edges, and John’s brain is short-circuiting as he over-analyzes everything.

 

“Cute kid,” he mutters, then winces because he knows he sounds like a total prick right this minute, but he can’t say what he wants to say, which is: _Would you like to go get drinks sometime?_ So he says nothing instead, cringing at the disheartened expression on Kai- on fucking _Mr. Alenko’s_ face.

 

“I don’t want things to be awkward,” Kaidan says after a few minutes of the aforementioned awkwardness pass between them. He’s standing there with his hands balled into fists and stuffed into the pockets of his khaki chinos, navy button-up shirt untucked with a few buttons open at the top. John can see a bit of chest hair peeking up out of the shirt’s collar, and Kaidan looks so goddamn _delicious_ in that minute that John can’t think straight. Kaidan sighs.

 

“Me either,” Shepard says quickly, succinctly. He’s sweating bullets now, barely keeping his shit together, and thinking that he’s going to die on this field before this soccer practice ever ends. Kaidan shakes his head and wanders away to talk to a few more parents, presumably some of Ashley’s and David’s classmates. John stays where he is like his feet have grown roots that have burrowed into the soil beneath them, and glowers in the direction of the kids on the field.

 

Ashley flies toward him in her excitement when the practice ends, and he steers her towards his Jeep while she babbles incessantly about every minute detail she can recall. They end up at the same fast-food chicken place as Kaidan and David - because John had missed the grocery store beforehand and didn’t feel like making the trip now - and the two kids recognize one another from school and soccer. John and Kaidan reluctantly sit at the same table. John’s only taken one bite of his sandwich when Ashley hops up and starts begging to go to the playground; David is currently aggravating his own father. Shepard looks to the uneaten food (only one small bite out of one chicken nugget) and then into the hopeful blue eyes that are pleading with him. “Go ahead,” he and Kaidan sigh at the same instant, and then the kids are gone, leaving the two men with only each other and their unyielding awkwardness.

 

Shepard is picking at his french fries, appetite having vanished in the wake of his muddled thoughts and the extremely attractive man sitting across the table from him. He wants to say something, apologize for being a dickhead earlier, but the words are jammed up in the back of his throat like he’d been eating peanut butter instead of fries, with nothing to wash it down. His mouth is all but stuck closed, and Kaidan’s eyes are flitting around the restaurant like one of the teens behind the serving counter can somehow save him from this torment of a man whom he’d fucked in the backseat of his car while tipsy three months ago.

 

“I don’t usually do things like that,” Kaidan blurts.

 

Shepard flicks his eyes up to Kaidan’s and finds his brows creased into a distressed frown. He put that there, and he feels even more like shit. _Jesus Christ!_ This is why he hasn’t even attempted to date since Liara left. John’s smile is all self-deprecation and loathing when he says, “You’re the only person I’ve had sex with in more than four years.”

 

Kaidan finally looks relieved, like maybe he isn’t doomed to spend the next year teaching the daughter of this immense asshole who’d had his dick in his mouth once upon a dark and drunken night. He grins a bit, a bashful little thing, cheeks turning pink, and Shepard’s relief at seeing this shift is as refreshing as a light, spring rain. Again, he thinks of asking the man out for drinks; again, he thinks better of it, though he’s not sure why. Instead, he asks Kaidan something innocuous: “Where are you from?”

 

The answer: “Vancouver.” And the conversation flows from there. Things they should have asked before they jumped into the backseat of Kaidan’s car and pawed each other’s clothes off. Things they hadn’t even bothered to talk about while two tall, grown men clumsily tried to redress in said cramped backseat. Really, if they’re going to do something like that again, Kaidan needs a bigger car. John blinks - realizes he’s zoned out while ruminating on the wonders of the man’s dick… again. _Jesus fuck!_ He needs to get his head on straight. His brain rejoins the conversation in time to hear Kaidan’s heartbroken tone: “...she died, the place no longer felt like home. After two years, I decided it was time to make a change. I still miss her, but it’s getting easier.”

 

His wife. _Christ Almighty!_

 

“I’m so sorry, Kaidan,” he manages at the appropriate time with the appropriate amount of sympathy. The smile he receives in return warms and shames him equally. _If you only knew where my mind had been while you were pouring your heart out,_ he thinks. They finish their meal, pack up the kids’ food for them to eat on the way home, wrangle the kids into the car, and go their separate ways.

 

All through his routine of getting Ash bathed and in bed, taming the matted tangle of curls on her head, making sure she’s brushed her teeth, then reading her a few poems from _Where the Sidewalk Ends_ , Shepard’s mind is picking over his dinner conversation with Kaidan. He likes him, he realizes. Quite a bit. Alenko is funny and smart. He’s come to terms with his wife’s death and moved on with his life a stronger person. He’s steady as a rock, but not unwilling to take chances in life. He’s just the sort of person John’s always been drawn to.

 

With Ash sleeping soundly, John locks up the house, feeds the cat, begins making sack lunches for himself and Ash before remembering that it’s Friday, then cleans up his mess. He stands in the shower for a very long time, trying not to have indecent thoughts about Kaidan and failing miserably. He feels positively wretched as he gasps through the orgasm brought on by painful jerks with his own hand and lewd fantasies of Mr. Alenko.

 

Sleep is fitful that night.

 


	3. Chapter 3

On Saturday, they run into Kaidan and David at the park, at the library, and at the grocery store. Shepard wonders what life is trying to tell him. It hardly seems fair that life keeps throwing Kaidan in his face when he’s pretty sure the man is simply embarrassed to have lost control that night three months ago and is relieved that Shepard hasn’t said anything else about it. Meanwhile, Shepard’s own brain is in nuclear meltdown mode by the time they reach the checkout at the grocery store. As they step into line right behind Kaidan and David, he absentmindedly gives in to Ash’s request for soda and candy, something he almost never does, and grabs a magazine off the rack to keep from staring at Alenko’s ass. As he flips, unseeing, through the periodical, he contemplates ways to extricate himself from Alenko’s life. Impossible, he eventually concludes. For better or worse, the pair of them are linked, through a cruel twist of fate, for the next year. For one year, they will be seeing each other with alarming frequency - at soccer games, at PTA meetings, and now, apparently, at every simple errand that needs to be run.

 

Kaidan calls him out on his choice of reading material, and Shepard flips to the front to see that it’s _People_ . At least it isn’t _Cosmo_. With an exaggerated sigh, he stuffs it back into the rack and moves forward to purchase his groceries. “Hey,” Kaidan calls to him from the end of the checkout stand, and John looks up, swallowing around a painful lump in his throat. “David and I are planning to grill some burgers tonight. Would you and Ash want to join us?”

 

Ashley and David begin bouncing up and down, squealing in excitement. Kaidan’s eyes are hopeful. John’s heart is doing some sort of acrobatics disrupted by seizures inside his ribcage. “Sounds good,” he finally manages.

 

Kaidan passes him a slip of paper with his address and phone number on it. “Seven o’clock?”

 

“We’ll be there.”

 

_Corolla invited us over for a cookout._

 

_So go. You obviously liked the guy enough to suck his dick once. What’s the big deal?_

 

John sighs and scowls at the text from his twin. _I don’t know what to wear?_

 

_Don’t be a pussy._

 

_Don’t be a bitch!_

 

_Johnny, go! It’ll be fun! Maybe you’ll get to see him naked again. ;)_

 

The thought had occurred to him, but he doesn’t want that to interfere with the way things are. He likes Kaidan - in that heart-fluttering way of new crushes - and doesn’t want to fuck it up by being himself. While he showers and digs through his closet for something that looks nice without seeming like he was trying to look nice, his mind dwells on cheery subjects, such as how in the name of god he’d ever managed to hold down a relationship long enough to reproduce. He is all thumbs and left feet when it comes to romance, which he concedes is another possible reason why he’s currently divorced. Of all the times to think of his ex-wife, he figures this is likely the worst of them, but his mind does as it wills while he grabs a twelve-pack of beer out of the fridge and the package of cookies he’d bought to pack into Ashley’s lunches for next week. He can’t show up at the cookout empty-handed. He just hopes he remembers to grab another box of cookies before Monday morning.

 

Thinking back on his relationship with Liara, he remembers being happy with her once. They’d met at college, when Shepard’s first tour of duty in the Navy had ended, and he’d gone for a degree on the Alliance’s dime. During school, he’d been transferred to the Reserves, but as soon as he’d graduated, he’d quickly applied for active duty again. That was the first time he and Liara had fought - really fought - and it had been ugly. Liara had left to go home to her dad’s for the weekend, and Shepard had drunk himself into a stupor and puked all over the bathroom floor before passing out in the empty tub. It was then that he realized that he was in love with her, and when she came back home, he’d proposed.

 

Stupid, in retrospect. But he figures he isn’t the first man in the world to confuse alcohol poisoning with love. It would have spared them both a lot of miserable years if he’d just let her go after that explosion. Then again, he wouldn’t have Ashley now.

 

He rethinks the beer as they pull into Kaidan’s driveway, which is situated in front of a modest two-story home in a quaint subdivision - gray with black shutters and beds of begonias underneath all the windows. He doesn’t want to repeat the mistakes of the past. Then again, he feels as though he’s grown as a person, matured as an individual since that period of his life. Then he remembers that he’s barely been able to string two words together in Kaidan’s presence since that night in the car - a night in which he’d been quite vocal about everything he wanted Kaidan to do to him. He blushes as Ashley rings the doorbell four times in her excitement. He’s just about to swat her hand away from the button when the door bursts open revealing a dark-skinned boy with raven hair poking out in all directions. David and Ashley take off down the hallway like they’re in an Olympic racing event, and John wanders cautiously into the foyer and calls for Kaidan.

 

While waiting for the man to appear, he looks around at the parts of the house he can see. A comfortable-looking living room with worn leather sofas and a gas fireplace. The corner of a cozy kitchen with dark wood floors and newly-fashionable concrete countertops. The table in the entryway is laden with family photos. The people inside silver and wooden frames are so beautiful, they could be stock photo models. Kaidan and David, and a gorgeous woman with raven hair and mocha skin to match that of her son. Middle Eastern, he remembers Kaidan saying. They look so happy, and Shepard feels a twinge of regret that he and Liara had never seemed that happy in all their years together.

 

“Hey,” Kaidan says, smiling a heart-stopping smile as he pokes his head out of the kitchen. “Sorry, I was out back pulling the burgers off the grill.” John grins, the smell of char-grilled meat making his mouth water, and follows Kaidan into the kitchen, where he sets his offering on the center island. Kaidan whistles at the choice of beer. “My favorite. Mind if I…?”

 

“Help yourself.”

 

Kaidan does, and goes about slicing tomatoes and onions and making idle chit-chat while Shepard takes in the kitchen in its entirety. It’s spacious with a comfy-looking breakfast nook. The room is decorated in blues and grays that somehow feel comforting instead of cold. The pendant lights above the island cast golden pools onto the surface of the countertop, and Shepard can see the appeal of this house, can imagine the first time Kaidan had come to look at it and decided that it would be his and David’s new home.

 

_[Art by Solstheimart](http://solstheimart.tumblr.com/post/174631145231/i-had-the-absolute-pleasure-of-working-with) _

 

“You don’t talk much, do you?” Kaidan says, a questioning smile on his face as he watches Shepard over his shoulder.

 

Maybe he doesn’t talk much; he’s never considered it before. Liara had never complained about his conversation skills - or lack thereof. Then again, Liara had always been so content to bury her nose in a book even when she was at home, that there hadn’t ever been much conversation between them. There had to have been something that had attracted him to the woman besides her breasts and brilliant mind. She was much more shy and subdued than anyone he’d dated before, but he’d taken that as a sign of maturity at the time, not a defect in her social skills.

 

At any rate, he supposes he doesn’t talk all that much for multiple reasons. The most pressing of which is that he doesn’t have anyone to talk to. He has work friends, and his best friends, Garrus and Tali, but they don’t sit around shooting the breeze all that often or contemplating life’s deepest mysteries. Most of the words that pass between them center on good-natured ribbing, and whether or not the Sorcerers are going to win the game later that week.

 

The second reason he keeps to himself is because of the astonishing amount of thoughts that are constantly whirring around in his mind. If he said even half of them aloud, he’d be carted off to the insane asylum in a heartbeat. Perhaps he’s not talkative, but his brain is always running at ninety miles per hour, like a train heading for calamity. And that’s probably the real reason he keeps his damn mouth shut - he doesn’t want to humiliate himself by saying the wrong thing. Though he knows Kaidan’s not the first person to catch the ‘indifferent asshole’ vibe from his virtual silence.

 

“I don’t have a lot to say,” he lies, and it _is_ a lie. He has opinions on everything from the weather to how the shade of blue that Kaidan is currently wearing makes his skin look vibrant and alive.

 

“Be serious,” Kaidan says with a laugh, transferring his burger garnishes from a multi-toned wooden cutting board to a white serving platter.

 

Shepard fishes a beer out of the box on the counter and cracks it open, taking a cautious sip. It tastes so good, he takes another, larger swallow before setting the bottle down and meeting Kaidan’s eyes. Those amber pools have been tracking the movements of his mouth and throat while he’s been drinking beer, and the thought gives him a certain thrill. He knows there’s something mischievous in his own eyes when they lock onto Kaidan’s.

 

“Tell me something about you,” Kaidan says, sounding rather more breathless than John expects he means to.

 

Shepard takes another sip of his beer. “Like what?” He leans on the counter with his elbows, beer bottle dangling from his fingertips. He can’t take his eyes off Kaidan. That form-fitting shirt, cut at just the right angle to accentuate his muscled chest and trim waist. That shade of blue that’s the perfect complement to Kaidan’s skin tone. The curl of hair that’s drooped down over his forehead, that no matter how many times Kaidan pushes it back ends up in exactly the same spot. The brown of Kaidan’s eyes is shrinking the longer that John stares at him.

 

“Your favorite color,” Kaidan all but whispers.

 

This is a thing John has always been good at. Flirting. He may not be able to hold a conversation for shit, but if flirting was an Olympic sport, he’d be a gold medalist. “Blue,” he says softly, eyes roving Kaidan’s body in a way that leaves no doubts as to why, exactly, blue is his brand new favorite color.

 

To his surprise, Kaidan looks away, frustrated. “Don’t play games with me, John,” he says, retrieving a bag of hamburger buns from the cabinet behind him.

 

Shepard straightens, feeling properly contrite. He hadn’t meant to be playing games. He really is rather fond of that shade of blue against Kaidan’s dark skin, but he sees how easily it could be misconstrued. Rubbing a hand over his face to clear away the confusion, he mutters an apology, then asks, “Anything I can do to help?”

 

He works to keep his behavior more appropriate, bordering somewhere between friendly and professional. It feels like more work than anything he’s tried to do in a while. They eat dinner outside on the patio, then all participate in a game of soccer, family against family. Ash is put out when they lose because: “Dad! You let Mr. Alenko take the ball!” There’s no way he can confess the cause of his distraction, namely the jolt of desire that spiked through him when his leg brushed against Kaidan’s as they tussled for the ball, so he lets her berate him, apologizing for his failings as a father. Then he and Kaidan beg off a re-match and sit in the patio chairs sipping beers while David and Ash take turns pushing each other on the swingset.

 

“Thanks for inviting us over,” Shepard says quietly. “It’s been awhile since we’ve done something like this.”

 

“It’s nice to have new friends,” Kaidan tells him, and the word _friends_ strikes a chord deep within Shepard’s soul.

 

“Sorry about earlier,” he says again because it needs to be repeated. Shepard is a shit friend. He was a shit husband. Sometimes, he feels like a shit father, though he knows he’s doing the best he can. He doesn’t want to fuck this up, but it seems more an inevitability at this point than anything else in his life. He leaves sometime later, Ashley asleep on his shoulder - David already passed out on the floor in front of the Xbox.

 

“We should do this again sometime,” Kaidan says.

 

John has the strangest feeling the man means it. “We should,” he says. “Thanks again for dinner.”

 

**

 

Kaidan stands beside him every day at soccer practice, and they talk about mundane things - normal things - like their workdays and what the kids are learning in class. (As an aside, Shepard appreciates having the inside track on what’s going on with Ash every day.) And John finds that Kaidan is good at making the shenanigans of second graders sound entertaining. The next Saturday, he invites Kaidan and David to their house for dinner, and the next week they’re back at the Alenko’s. It becomes a standard date, set in stone. Every week, they take turns cooking dinner. John stops trying to flirt, and starts trying to communicate. Miraculously, he finds it’s not as difficult as he’d once believed. Turns out, all you have to do is find the other person interesting and care about what they have to say - care about _them_. He wonders if he ever truly knew Liara at all, calls her and apologizes for being a completely shitty husband, listens to her cry as if she’s been waiting a lifetime for that call. At the end of it, he feels like there’s been healing.

 

“Ash is going to her mom’s this weekend,” Shepard tells Kaidan on a Tuesday at soccer practice.

 

“Oh?” And Kaidan’s looking at him with thinly veiled suspicion like he knows what Shepard is about to ask.

 

John doesn’t know exactly how to interpret that look. Does Kaidan not want him to ask him out? _Fuck!_ He shrugs instead of saying anything else like that’s going to be the end of the conversation, because he’s not about to put himself out there and ruin the first close friendship he’s made since he graduated college. Garrus is great and all, but he and Tali are so wrapped up in each other they have very little time for him. John thinks it’s better that way because it means their marriage will stand a better chance than his and Liara’s did.

 

Kaidan draws several deep breaths, the kind like he’s about to say something and then thinks better of it. “Would you like to go out to dinner with me?” The sentence comes tumbling out of his mouth like a mudslide - dangerous and unexpected - and John gets swept along with it, losing his proverbial footing in the wake of this new development.

 

“Like a date?” he asks idiotically, face flaming at this newly-revealed evidence of his stupidity.

 

“Like a date,” Kaidan says with a grin, though it’s far from confident, so maybe he’s just as undone with the asking as John is with being asked.

 

John briefly considers. He’d wanted to ask Kaidan out himself, but lost the nerve while trying to decipher Kaidan’s earlier expression. Could it have been that the question was on the tips of both their tongues and that was the reason Kaidan had looked at him that way? “Yes,” he blurts before Kaidan can think he doesn’t want to. “Yes, I’d love to go on a date with you.” And there, he’s said it, and he feels tingly and warm, dreamy and imaginary, all the way from the top of his shaved head to the tips of his toes. The silence that follows in the wake of Kaidan’s soft smile is that fluttery kind of silence you get when a whole new world of possibilities has just opened up before you.

 

Sleep is fitful for the first time in months, but this time it’s because of excitement rather than misery.


	4. Chapter 4

“John?”

 

“In here,” Shepard calls from his bedroom. When his sister enters, he’s standing in the closet in nothing but his plain white boxers and a pair of black socks.

 

“Seriously?”

 

“I’m not naked,” he argues with a defensive tone. “I don’t know what to wear.”

 

“You are utterly helpless and useless sometimes, you know that?”

 

He knows it.

 

Jane stalks into his walk-in closet and begins sorting through the scads of jeans and t-shirts and military uniforms. “You have exactly two pairs of dress pants,” she complains. “There’re at least eight pairs of jeans in here and only two pairs of dress pants.”

 

“I like jeans,” he says, on the defensive once more, accepting the dark gray slacks she hands him and pulling them on quickly. He reaches for a hideous green shirt, the shade of pureed peas.

 

Jane frowns. “Not that one,” she says, snatching it from him. “The blue one. Matches your eyes, which are your best feature.”

 

“I’ve always been told my ass is my best feature,” he grins as he shoves his arms into the shirt she’d suggested.

 

“Gross! I changed my mind, wear the puke-green one.” She eyes him as he does up the buttons on the shirt. “Why do you even have a puke-green shirt?”

 

“Mom sent it for my birthday.”

 

“I knew she liked me better.”

 

John flips her off. “Tucked or untucked?”

 

“Where are you going?”

 

“Apollo’s.”

 

“Nice! Untucked, with the black blazer.”

 

“Is cologne too much?” he asks as he laces up his shoes.

 

“Just don’t go overboard. Men have a tendency to do that, you know?”

 

“And women don’t?” he scoffs. But he follows her advice. His sister has always been the more fashion savvy of the two. “Well?” he asks, dabbing a bit of his overpriced cologne onto his neck.

 

“You clean up good,” Jane says, smoothing her hands down his lapel. “I’ll bet you see him naked before the night is through.” She winks at him, then grabs her purse off of his bed.

 

“You’ve been saying that for three months now,” he says with a deliberately orchestrated eyeroll. “Besides… that’s not my goal.” He’s checking his teeth in the mirror and reaching for the mouthwash, avoiding eye contact with his sister at all costs.

 

“What exactly is your goal?” she asks, watching him with a shrewd eye, one eyebrow lifted to emphasize the question.

 

John spits the mouthwash into the sink. “I just want to get to know him better. I… like spending time with him.”

 

“You also like fucking him, Johnny, as you’ve already discovered.”

 

Wincing, he chooses his next words carefully. “That was different,” he says, thoughtfully. “That was just lust and passion. I want something more out of life than one-night stands, and Kaidan is… he’s more.” He still won’t meet her eyes, but he can tell from the subtle shift of her posture in his periphery that she’s now gazing at him with a fond sympathy as if she finds him too adorable for words. John hates it when she gets like that, as though he’s some dopey, sappy creature in need of her compassion. “Thanks for coming,” he says, because he does appreciate her help even if he doesn’t appreciate her pity. “He’ll be here any minute. You should probably get going.”

 

“Fine, fine,” she says, suddenly full of her old, fiery posturing. “I can tell when I’m unwanted.”

 

John looks at her and grins.

 

“Have fun tonight, Johnny,” she tells him with an earnest smile.

 

**

 

The last time John had set foot into Apollo’s, he’d probably still been married. Remembering back, it had been some sort of celebratory night with some of the other officers from the base, all in suits and ties, wives dangling like priceless ornaments on their arms, all decked out in sequined dresses and sparkling earrings. Liara always did know how to dress to impress, and John realizes that he’d treated her like some sort of trophy that he’d won for being the best at something. Flirting, teasing, fucking? He isn’t sure. He only knows that he hates all these little reminders of how horrible he’d been as a spouse, a life partner. He’s always been proud of Liara and the work she’s accomplished, but in a way that suggests it is his right to brag about it rather than all her own hard work and determination. He may have to call to apologize again before the night is over.

 

Kaidan looks amazing in black slacks and a silver shirt. A thin black tie rests neatly on his chest, and he smells divine, just enough cologne to be tantalizing, not overbearing. His hair is combed back tidily, as always, and John thinks about the one and only night that he’d been allowed to run his fingers through it. It's approaching six months, and Shepard is practiced at ignoring those thoughts when they come. He doesn't allow himself to see Kaidan only as a sex object. Since that fateful afternoon, when he’d discovered that his drunken indiscretion was, in fact, his daughter’s teacher, he’s gotten to know Kaidan the man, the individual, rather than just Kaidan the amorphous object of his secret fantasies. Not that he wouldn’t love to have the chance to see Kaidan again like he’d been that night, but it isn’t this all-encompassing obsession like it had been before. He can act like a decent fucking human being instead of a sex-crazed animal.

 

He likes Kaidan. Judging from the fact that Kaidan had asked him out on a date, Kaidan likes him, too. If he plays his cards right, he could possibly find that _something more_ that he’d spoken to Janie of, that something that had always seemed to be missing in his life. Even when he’d been married before, there had been some sort of hollow place that was never quite fulfilled. He’d thought he was happy enough, but Liara had wanted something more, too. She’d found that in Javik, and Shepard wishes her well. But now he wants that secret for himself.

 

They enter the restaurant and follow the hostess to their table. The ambiance is warm and inviting, candles on every linen-covered table, an immaculate view of the wetlands in the foreground, the gently rolling ocean in the distance. The sun is just starting to make its slow descent toward the horizon, orange-pink and magnificent. The whole room seems to glow with it, or maybe that’s just the company Shepard’s keeping tonight.

 

They sit and order drinks and food, and they talk, and they talk, and they talk until they’ve long overstayed their welcome. Kaidan pays the check, and they walk along the string of docks lining the waterways. Ships are coming in, holds full of fresh seafood, and the nighttime wildlife is beginning to make an appearance in the twinkling lights strung up around the docks. Just as Shepard thinks this ranks up in the top five romantic experiences of his life, Kaidan reaches over to take his hand as they stroll along, and effortlessly bumps the experience from number five to at least number three. Shepard grins, squeezing the fingers now threaded through his own.

 

“This was fun,” he says casually.

 

“It was fun,” Kaidan agrees, directing them down one of the longer piers in order to look down into the water. They’re standing shoulder-to-shoulder, elbow-to-elbow, linked fists resting on the splintered, wooden railing.

 

John knows Kaidan is going to kiss him, and he’s breathless with the anticipation of it. When their mouths meet, he can taste the sweet flavor of the brandy they’d finished off their meal with. Letting go of Kaidan’s hand, John wraps his arm around the man’s neck, draws him closer, and turns to line their bodies up just right. This is a dance they’ve danced before, only then it was much wilder and more carnal. This time it’s a slow dance, swaying into each other’s space and holding on, memorizing the shape and feel of the other’s mouth. Noticing things they’d taken for granted that first, frenzied time. Shepard is overwrought with the sensations of this kiss, the memories of that night, and everything is so much _more_ this time around. Now he’s aware that Kaidan is a man worth knowing, a man worth waiting for, and he doesn’t want to ruin it with his typical impatience.

 

Pulling away, John watches Kaidan’s face for any sign of discomfort or rejection. Instead, he sees Kaidan, eyes closed and lips still parted as though he’s waiting for Shepard’s mouth to return to his, where it belongs. Kaidan’s eyes slowly drift open, and his pupils are wide like he’s stoned, and a thrill shoots through Shepard’s body. John kisses him again, softer this time, gentler than anything that’s ever passed between them. The kiss is almost sweet in comparison to the others that have come before it, and Kaidan leans into it, giving John everything he has to give. More than anything, Shepard wants to prove himself deserving of it.

 

They break the kiss again, and this time, Kaidan seems more prepared. They hold each other’s gaze, genial smiles on both their faces. Shepard steps back, reclaiming Kaidan’s hand with his own, and they slowly begin the trek back to Kaidan’s car. There’s a tense wariness on both their parts when they arrive. This was where it had all began, after all, and there’s a question in Kaidan’s eyes that Shepard doesn’t want to contemplate. Not that he doesn’t want to make that leap with Kaidan again - at some point - but not tonight. Tonight he just wants this - the innocence of a dinner date and a romantic kiss in the moonlight.

 

They arrive back at Shepard’s house, and Kaidan kisses him goodnight on the doorstep. That question is in his eyes again, and John tries to assure him, though it feels awkward. “I want to wait if that’s okay with you.”

 

“Yeah, of course.” There’s a slight hint of disappointment in Kaidan’s voice.

 

“It’s just… you know, we kinda put the cart before the horse last time, and… Jesus, Kaidan, I really like you. I don’t wanna fuck this up.”

 

“I really like you too, John,” Kaidan says, kissing him again.

 

Closing the door between himself and Kaidan is the hardest thing John’s ever done in his life. He retreats to his kitchen as Kaidan drives away, and he downs a glass of water in one go as he reminds himself that he hasn’t just made the worst mistake in the world by letting Kaidan leave. His cock is less convinced than the rest of him.

 

John strips out of his jacket, draping it over the back of his recliner, and heads to his room. It’s easy to find the tube of lubricant he keeps in the bedside drawer, and he drops onto his back on the mattress as he undoes his belt and fly.

 

Squeezing a dollop of the lube onto his fingers, he takes himself in hand, his hiss at the coldness of the slippery gel morphing into a groan as he gives himself one long firm stroke. With his free hand, he undoes the buttons of his blue dress shirt - the same color sapphire as his eyes - and runs his fingers gently over his chest and abs, then back up to tweak a nipple. His fist moves with slow, steady strokes, up and down his dick, and as he closes his eyes, it’s all too easy to imagine another hand gripping him, honey-colored eyes gazing down at him, brandy-scented breath against his lips.

 

John loses himself in the fantasy of that night - something he’s done with less and less frequency as the months have worn on. Tonight he feels safe doing it, less like a pervert, more like a man falling in love. He recalls the feel of Kaidan’s lips on him, the luxuriant curl of the man’s tongue around his cock. They hadn’t spent too much time on sucking each other that night, too anxious to join their lips together again, to line up their bodies and rut into each other until they were coming together, each of them making a mess of the other. Tonight he can pretend that he’d been able to finish in Kaidan’s mouth - supple, inviting thing that it is. In his mind’s eye, his dick - angry-red and throbbing - slips between Kaidan’s plump, scarred lips over and over. Kaidan’s tongue feathers around him, tracing every vein, penetrating the slit at the tip. Kaidan’s fingers, wet from his own saliva and the fluid seeping from Shepard’s dick, wrap around the base, holding him steady, pumping over the exposed bits that don’t fit into Kaidan’s mouth.

 

He comes into Kaidan’s mouth in the fantasy, onto his stomach in his bedroom - then melts into the bed as his heart races and his labored breaths resound in the air of the small room. “Fuck,” he mutters, feeling more boneless than he has in a long while. Blindly, he snatches a few tissues out of the box on the nightstand to sop up the mess he’s made, then he tosses them to the floor and curls into the pillow on the other side of the bed and falls asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

For the next month, they continue their weekly dinners, swapping back and forth between the Shepard and Alenko households. Each night ends the same, with the kids passed out in front of a movie, having played themselves to utter exhaustion, and their fathers making out shamelessly on the couch in the other room. They’ve done everything short of unbuttoning jeans, and they’d even gone so far one night with their petting and grinding that Shepard almost came in his pants. He’d only been saved by the patter of little feet causing Kaidan and him to separate like they’d been electrocuted. 

 

Tonight is no exception, and as Kaidan sucks a hickey below Shepard’s collarbone - low enough that his shirt is sure to cover it up - John gasps, “Ash is going to Liara’s again in a couple weeks. You wanna-?”

 

“Yes,” Kaidan says before the words are even out of John’s mouth. “Whatever it is,  _ yes! _ ” 

 

Shepard’s chuckle breaks off into a low moan as Kaidan flicks his tongue over John’s nipple.  _ Fuck! _ They’ve got to get ahold of themselves - figuratively speaking. “Kaidan,” Shepard pants, “we… unnggh.” His body and brain are sizzling and popping like oil over a too-hot burner, and he can’t think, can’t speak. His body is chasing after what it wants, and there doesn’t seem to be any stopping it. A sad little corner of his mind reminds him that they’re exposed on this couch and could be interrupted at any moment by either of the kids and that finally grants him enough willpower to push Kaidan away. 

 

They’re both hard and aching. John can see the outline of Kaidan’s dick through his jeans, and he wants to suck him, to squeeze him; god, he wants to feel that dick inside him. He’s starved for it. He’s been fasting too long, and it takes all of his composure to keep his hands to himself and ignore the burning need inside him that’s telling him to get up, take Kaidan into the bedroom, and have him every which way his heart desires. 

 

Breaths gust heavily from both their chests, and John can’t take his eyes off Kaidan’s. He knows they’re having the same thoughts, how easy it would be to leave the kids where they are, to sneak off up the stairs and lock the door, to take each other as hard and fast and rough as they had that first night. Something’s got to give, and soon. Shepard’s been jerking off more the last few weeks than he had as a teen, he thinks, but he’s not ready. He’s not ready to give up these nights of talking and laughing and making out like they  _ are _ randy teens again. He’s not ready to take that next step because he doesn’t want this to change.

 

Shepard deflates as the realization sinks in. In the past, the sex has always come first. With every person he’s ever dated, Liara included, the relationship began and ended with sex. More than anything else, he doesn’t want that to happen here. It’s a night for self-revelation, it seems, as he watches Kaidan watching him, and the light inconveniently dawns that this has been the problem all along. Rushing the next step too quickly. What should have been the last step, inadvertently becoming the first, with everything that followed not living up to the hype. 

 

Kaidan’s brow is shifting downward, morphing into a frown before Shepard’s very eyes, like he knows Shepard’s having some sort of I-saw-the-light moment that means putting this off for another week at least. Kaidan has been patient with Shepard’s wanting to wait, and it’s not as though he thinks the man will break up with him for not wanting to jump in the sack. But he has to be somewhat confused by it, considering their history. 

 

John reaches for him, gripping Kaidan’s fingers tightly once they’re placed in his hand. “Kaidan,” he whispers, a breath, a prayer, then scoots closer to the man and offers him a chaste kiss on the lips. 

 

“What’s wrong?” 

 

“Nothing’s wrong, just…” Shepard attempts to explain the convoluted train of thought that had led him to his previous conclusions. Kaidan nods sagely as if it makes all the sense in the world. It doesn’t, and they both know it. The main trouble now is figuring out what to do about it. They kiss quietly, reverently for a few more minutes, like the cool-down lap after a brisk jog, and John carries a sleeping Ashley out the door on his shoulder like he had their first night at the Alenko’s

 

Sleep isn’t fitful, because sleep never comes as he lies awake contemplating all these epiphanies he’s been having of late.

 

**

 

Ashley’s and David’s last soccer game is set for the following Saturday, and it sparks an argument between John and Liara. She hasn’t attended a single one of Ash’s games, and John thinks she should make an effort. Liara argues that her life is a busy one and that she simply doesn’t have the time. John insists that she needs to make the time for her only daughter, and the argument circles round and round until John is furious and Liara hangs up on him. Shepard gently sets the phone receiver into the cradle and rests his forehead against the upper cabinet door. Movement catches his eye, and he glances over to see Ash standing in the doorway with tears streaming down her cheeks. At that moment, he hates his ex-wife, then feels guilty because he’d thought he loved her so much, once upon a time. 

 

Instead of expending energy on being angry, he scoops his daughter into his arms and carries her to bed, holds her while she cries herself to sleep. They have school and work the next day, but Shepard considers calling out and taking her to the beach for the day instead. He feels torn between being the responsible adult - the  _ only _ responsible adult - and being the person his daughter needs him to be. In the end, Ash wins out, like he hopes she always will.  

 

Leaving a sleeping Ashley in her bed, he pours himself a glass of whiskey, neat, and calls Kaidan. He grins at the man’s sleepy tone as he mumbles out a curious hello edged with a hint of concern. “I woke you,” Shepard says, matter-of-fact, and takes a sip of his drink. “I’ll-”

 

“No,” Kaidan murmurs. “No… I want to talk. I just dozed while reading my book.” 

 

“Yeah? What’s it about?” Shepard relaxes into his recliner, the whiskey and Kaidan’s voice soothing over him like warm water. 

 

Kaidan yawns and Shepard smiles to hear it. “Education,” he says. “How kids learn. I wanna make sure I’m doing the best job I can.” 

 

Shepard grins at him again, though he can’t see it. “And here I was sure it was some sci-fi romance or something.” 

 

There’s a snort on the other end of the line. “Hey, don’t knock ‘em ‘til you’ve tried ‘em.” They both laugh, a small, intimate thing, then fall silent, listening to each other breathe for a few moments, till Kaidan asks, “Are you alright?” 

 

“Ash overheard a fight between her mom and me,” Shepard sighs. “Liara won’t come to the championship on Saturday. Says she’s too damned busy. I just… You know my folks and I haven’t always seen eye-to-eye, but at least I could count on them to be there… to support me. I just… I want the same for Ash, but Liara seems to think that digging up the past is more important than raising the future, and I… sometimes, I just get so tired of doing this alone. And Ash deserves better than a mother who puts work first.” He sighs again, a stormy, frustrated sound, then finishes off his whiskey, hissing through the burn in his throat.

 

“I know,” is all Kaidan says, a simple phrase of solidarity and commiseration. Acknowledgment that they both understand what it means to parent alone. 

 

“I’m keeping Ash out of school tomorrow and taking her to the beach. I figure some one-on-one time will help. Though I know one day at the beach won’t make up for a lifetime of an absentee mother.” The last word is bitten off and spat out like a distasteful thing. John wishes he had more whiskey in his glass, wishes he was with Kaidan right this minute, wishes he could ask him to take tomorrow off, too. But he doesn’t and he isn’t and he won’t. 

 

“I think that’s a great idea, John. I can drop her work off tomorrow evening.” 

 

“Want to stay for dinner?” 

 

“On a Monday? How unconventional.” 

 

Shepard chuckles. “I’m a wild card, K. You never know what I’ll do next. Is that a yes?” 

 

Kaidan’s laugh is mirthy and breathless, and it settles comfortably into Shepard’s gut alongside the whiskey. “It’s a yes.” 

 

**

 

The kids sit at the kitchen table while Ashley does her schoolwork and David colors pictures. John and Kaidan sit on the couch enjoying the silence and the presence of another. John wants to hold him in his arms, to be held by him, but he sits, fingers rubbing random patterns on the man’s kneecap instead. Kaidan slips an arm around his shoulders and draws him closer, and Shepard sinks into the embrace, lets his head drop to Kaidan’s shoulder. It’s easy and comfortable and familiar, and Shepard finds himself wishing it could be this way every night. 

 

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Kaidan whispers, lips against John’s forehead. 

 

“I miss this,” Shepard says absently. “The comfort of having someone to rely on.” 

 

Kaidan’s fingers brush over the bristle of John’s hair, and he rests his cheek atop John’s head, nodding slowly. “I know what you mean.”

 

It’s been four months since they started having dinner together once a week, but only one since they’d decided to give dating a shot. Things have gotten hot and heavy between them, but Shepard hasn’t let it go farther than that. He wants to - god, does he ever - but he’s holding back, and they both know it. He’d tried to explain himself a few days ago, but his words had come out jumbled and virtually meaningless. “I want more,” he finally says aloud, tired of the looping thoughts that have been keeping him up the last few nights. 

 

“How do you mean?”

 

Shepard can tell from the wariness in Kaidan’s tone that he doesn’t want to make any assumptions here. For all he knows, John could simply want to have sex again, but it isn’t that. John wants everything - the whole package. He wants nights like this, where they sit and talk about their days after dinner, then tuck the kids in and head off to their own bed to hold each other through the night. He wants to wake up with Kaidan, and go to sleep with Kaidan, and do all the things couples do in the interim. But it’s too soon to tell the man these things, so he just shrugs. 

 

He isn’t sure at what point he’d fallen in love with Kaidan, but he suspects it might have been seeing him blush in his classroom on that devastatingly hot August afternoon during the parent-teacher conference. Or maybe it was when he’d walked across the soccer field with his hand on David’s tousled head and a smile of warm affection on his face. Or possibly it was when they’d sat at dinner that same night, awkward and fumbling for some way to get beyond the fact that they’d already seen each other naked, and there was no coming back from that. Either way, he’s struck with the certainty that he’s been in love with Kaidan Alenko for awhile now, and that if they sleep together again, Kaidan will be just as aware of it as John himself is. The thought terrifies him in a way that few things ever have. He’s seen war and dead, dismembered bodies lying in the dust in a foreign city. He’s killed men and taken bullets himself, but this - this feeling of ambiguous dread - it’s all-consuming. 

 

“Don’t shrug it off,” Kaidan says. His tone is chastising, but gently so. “Come on, talk to me. We’re not those two awkward guys from a few months ago anymore, John. I want to make this work… to, to see where it takes us in the long run, but we can’t do that if we’re not forthright with one another.” 

 

John considers this before speaking. When he and Liara had been married, they’d bottled up all their feelings for days and weeks on end until they’d come exploding outward in a hailstorm of fire and fury rivaling the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. Inevitably they ended the argument either by having the best sex of their lives or by not speaking to each other for days - sometimes both. Shepard realizes how terribly unhealthy this behavior had been and sighs. Yet another phone call to Liara is likely in order, but he can’t keep going back to apologize to her for his shortcomings as a human being and a husband. Liara is equally to blame for the failure of their marriage. Where John tends to be passionate and explosive, Liara has a tendency to be secretive and bottle her feelings away. Their personality clashes and their lack of communication skills had been what had led to Liara’s affair and the subsequent end of their marriage. And though Shepard had been more relieved than anything to see their tempestuous relationship come to a definitive end, it had still hurt - had still made him feel worthless, like a failure. And if he continues to shut Kaidan out, he sees a similar end to this relationship as well, though he believes with all his heart that Kaidan isn’t the type of man to have an affair. He also suspects that Kaidan isn’t the type of man to let a relationship devolve to that level of noxiousness before making the more mature decision to part ways. 

 

“I don’t want sex,” Shepard finally blurts, then winces as he feels Kaidan flinch beside him. “I mean,” he redirects quickly, “I don’t want  _ just _ sex.” Kaidan relaxes a fraction. “It’s… I tried and failed to explain it the other night. I’ve always taken it too lightly. It’s always just been so easy to fall into a relationship that is little more than sex. When I look back on my marriage, I wonder… I wonder if I was ever really in love with Liara sometimes, or if everything I felt for her was just this… amplified lust. And I just… I want to be sure before we take that next step, and… and I don’t want our relationship to be like that. I want you close. I want you to stay, and… and…”

 

“You need a sanity check,” Kaidan says with the ghost of a laugh. “You’re gonna drive yourself crazy.” 

 

Shepard huffs his own diffident laugh. “I probably am. Just thinking too hard about things,” he says, sitting up, feeling some distant disappointment that he can’t quite comprehend. The disappointment is tinged with relief that he hadn’t said too much, hadn’t given all his secrets away, pushing Kaidan too far in the process. “Want a drink?” he asks, putting distance between Kaidan and himself because he can’t think clearly this close to the man. He feels heartsick, his head swimmy and full, muddling everything he’s seeing, thinking, and feeling. 

 

“Better not,” Kaidan says regretfully. “I need to get Davy home soon.” 

 

Shepard nods, despondent - sick dread creeping through his bones. 

 

“John,” Kaidan stops him from traveling too far down that path of self-hatred. “It’s not wrong to want those things, and if you’re thinking it’s too soon to tell me what you want… It’s… well, it’s not, it’s… I want those things too. When Rahna died, I thought the word had ended.” John takes Kaidan’s hand in his own, a silent show of support. “And I’ve realized,” Kaidan continues, “that the world didn’t end, it just changed. Not necessarily for the better, but I’ve learned to live again. I’ve also learned that life’s too short to let opportunity pass you by. When you feel something, you have to say it. When you see something you want… you go after it.” 

 

They watch each other. It feels confusing and complicated until suddenly it doesn’t. John leans in for the briefest kiss. Kaidan doesn’t let him retreat again, holding him in place with a firm hand around his neck. Shepard allows this because air feels fresher and more freeing this close to Kaidan, and his lips are irresistibly drawn to Kaidan’s again.  

 

“I think it’s time we talked to the kids,” Kaidan tells him, and John nods in silent agreement. 


	6. Chapter 6

_[Art by Solstheimart](http://solstheimart.tumblr.com/post/174631145231/i-had-the-absolute-pleasure-of-working-with) _

 

Liara comes to the soccer game, and John is bewildered that he isn’t more happy to see her. There’s a tension there like they’re each waiting for the other shoe to drop. There’s something cagey about Liara’s body language as she keeps herself distant from John. He notices that Javik’s not there - the only reason he cares is because he knows that if Liara is to ever truly be a part of Ashley’s life, then Javik will have to be as well. He doesn’t mention this to her, however, simply gives silent thanks to whomever might want to listen to him that Liara is there and cheering their daughter on.

 

They attend the victory party afterward at the local pizza parlor. John can barely keep his eyes off Kaidan, who’s sitting with David on the opposite side of the room. Shepard simultaneously hates and appreciates this. They’d talked with the kids. Now he needs to talk with Liara. He waits until Ash has bounced off to play arcade games with David and some of the other kids before he broaches the subject.

 

“I’m glad you came today,” he tells her, and Liara looks more ashamed than he thinks she should.

 

“Me, too,” she says. “I don’t have to tell you that it pains me to say this, but you’re right… You’ve been right about a lot of things, John.”

 

“I’ve been wrong about plenty, too.”

 

“Fair enough,” Liara agrees. “I was hoping we could talk about altering the custody agreement. I’d like to have Ashley over every two weeks, rather than once a month.”

 

“How does Javik feel about that?” Shepard reigns in any excitement he might feel. What little he knows of Liara’s new husband is enough to convince him that the man is hard and set in his ways.

 

“I know it may not seem like it,” Liara says, “but Javik cares. He supports me in all my decisions.”

 

“Well, that’s good, I guess.” Shepard rubs at the condensation on his glass of soda with his thumb. “It’ll take some adjustment on everyone’s part, but it’ll be good for Ash to have you as a more permanent fixture in her life.”

 

“I hope you’re right. I’m just… I’m sorry that… John, I made a lot of mistakes, and I’ve never really taken the opportunity to apologize for that, but-”

 

“It’s water under the bridge,” John cuts her off. “Really.”

 

“You’ve changed a lot since I left,” she says, and there’s an undercurrent of remorse in her voice. John has no idea if that’s because he’s changed or if it’s because he couldn’t manage to change while they were still together. “These last few months in particular,” Liara continues. “It’s a good change.” She smiles shyly at him.

 

John remembers a time when he’d have killed for that smile. How toward the end of their marriage that smile had all but disappeared. “I’m seeing someone,” he says, meeting her eyes and wondering what the utterly blank expression on her face means. Liara nods slowly as if she’d expected as much, but doesn’t speak. John goes on, “It’s Ash’s teacher, Mr. Alenko - Kaidan.”

 

This finally garners a genuine reaction, and Liara’s eyebrows shoot toward the ceiling. Shepard can’t help but laugh, and Liara finally relaxes a bit, too. “Congratulations, John,” she says. “You deserve to be happy.”

 

“I am happy,” he confesses, and he knows there’s an idiotic smile on his face that cannot be contained. Later that night, sitting as close to Kaidan as their clothing will allow, John finds the courage to tell Kaidan what he’s been feeling. He doesn’t care if it’s too soon. “What I want is someone to live for… someone to love.”

 

**

 

A week later, they get that second date. It’s been more than four months since their first family cookout at Kaidan and David’s, and more than a month since their dinner date at Apollo’s, but it is still only their second date. John worries over what to wear; Janie comes to rescue him as usual.

 

John picks Kaidan up in his Jeep, which still has the top off. Thankfully, they live in a climate where the weather is still temperate enough to make it enjoyable instead of miserable. They ride into the night, AC/DC cranking because John is in the mood for it, and Kaidan surprises him by singing along at the top of his lungs. They go to the bar where it all began, because it feels like the right thing to do. This time, they toast their relationship and dance to more than one song, because they want to do things the right way. When they return to the Jeep several hours later, Kaidan only slightly tipsy, Shepard not tipsy at all, John kisses him, deep and wet. And they’re gasping for air when they pull apart because oxygen has ceased to exist and the only thing they need to keep going is each other.

 

“Want to spend the night?” Shepard asks, lips brushing against Kaidan’s as he speaks.

 

“Only if you’re ready,” Kaidan assures him.

 

“I’m more than ready,” Shepard assures right back, and then they’re kissing again like fireworks on the Fourth of July, stunning and brilliant as a field of stars.

 

Shepard drives them home, mood much more subdued than when they’d left it a few hours earlier. Desire simmers and smolders between them. It burns hot but begs for a slow release of energy, not the frantic thing they’d done more than half a year ago when they were strangers, when they weren’t in love.

 

Taking Kaidan’s hand, John leads him into the bedroom, and they slow dance into one another’s orbits again, peeling each others’ clothes off. Seductive, like unwrapping an exotic gift. Savoring, like the anticipation of a long night of lovemaking. John cups Kaidan’s face in his hands and brings their lips together, delicate and sweet. “I love you,” he breathes into Kaidan’s mouth so that it’s a part of him now.

 

Kaidan inhales, holds it and treasures it like the sacred thing that it is, then exhales it back. “I love you, too... So much.”

 

Shepard refuses to think of the past - his mistakes and failures. They both have plenty of those. He wants this one right thing, this one perfect thing. This perfect man, whom he adores like no one else. He aches with it even now, as Kaidan’s lips move tenderly against his Adam’s apple. Shepard’s hands slide down Kaidan’s chest, around his waist, splaying against his back and dragging him closer until their naked bodies are pressed tightly together. He can feel Kaidan’s wild heartbeat where their chests touch, a stampede of savage beasts. John ducks his head, nips Kaidan’s lower lip between his teeth, tells him he loves him again, because it needs to be known. Kaidan needs to understand that he can’t to this alone, not anymore. That life is too short and blinding and beautiful to be without the one you love, the other half of your soul. Kaidan seems to understand, kissing John back with such tenderness that Shepard goes weak in the knees.

 

They fall to the bed, fingers still roaming, lips still tasting and loving. Everything is part of the dance, their pas-de-deux.

 

They tangle around each other, mouths moving together slowly. Kaidan tastes like fire - like heat and whiskey - and John can’t get enough. Can’t get enough of smooth, hot skin under his fingers. Feels like he’s going to burn completely out with the priceless sensation of Kaidan’s hands on him, Kaidan’s skin against his, Kaidan’s mouth on his. Shepard’s sure he’s dying, that his soul is separating from his body, because nothing has ever felt as good as this man’s touch.

 

The last time they’d done this, there’d been no time to savor the experience. They’d both been doomed to relive it in memories for months and months. It was inevitable that they’d forget certain details, or that they’d missed them entirely the first go round. This time, John watches Kaidan’s face for every reaction, listens for every sigh, every hitch in his breathing. He notices the way Kaidan’s eyelashes flutter when John’s fingers skate perilously close to his dick without making contact. Sees the way Kaidan sucks his bottom lip into his mouth when John flicks a thumbnail over a nipple. Hears the soft groan of satisfaction as John finally takes him in hand and squeezes gently.

 

John has to taste him then. Has to hear those sounds that have plagued his waking and sleeping hours equally for months and months. The soundtrack to his lewd fantasies of the stranger in the backseat of a car on an overly warm spring night. Now the symphony of the love that he feels for Kaidan, the man he’s come to know and cherish.

 

He mouths a burning trail down Kaidan’s torso, pausing every time he hears another delectable noise from above, lavishing attention on the spot - the dip beneath his Adam’s apple, each nipple, the skin just beneath his navel - to drag those sounds out of him again and again. Kaidan is nothing but sweet tension by the time John reaches his prize, body strung taut like a bow, fingers curled painfully into the quilt atop the bed. Shepard makes him wait, laying pretty kisses along the junction of thigh and hip, drawing out the anticipation so they can both savor it. Kaidan smells divine, hints of sweat, musk, and masculinity all mingling to intoxicate Shepard more than any booze he’d ever tasted in his life.

 

“John, please,” Kaidan gasps - so breathless and exquisite, Shepard’s convinced he’s dying again. He’s drifted to a heaven he wasn’t sure he believed in anymore, but it’s here and it’s real, and Shepard’s drowning in it.

 

He takes the head of Kaidan’s dick into his mouth, thrives on the luscious moans dredged from Kaidan’s lungs, gives a quick twirl of his tongue, then listens rapturously to Kaidan’s curses and desperate pleas for more. The dance continues, the adagio - the slow climb to the mountain’s crest. They move together - Kaidan writhing, John swallowing him whole. Shepard tastes every inch of him, letting Kaidan slip through his lips, slide across his tongue. The sweet-bitter flavor of pre-come fills his mouth, and he moans around it, making Kaidan twitch. He pulls his head up, cheeks hollow, before plunging down again, and Kaidan whines, twists, nearly convulses beneath him. Shepard tries to steady him with a firm hand on his hip, but Kaidan is clawing at his shoulders now, trying to form words and push them past his non-functional lips.

 

“God… John… _wait_ …” Kaidan’s heels dig into the bed, thighs snapping closed to trap Shepard’s head where it’s at.

 

John makes a choked noise - half laugh, half groan - then raises his eyes to meet Kaidan’s. The tip of the man’s cock - furiously red and straining - still rests between his lips. He licks just the head, drinking up the steady flow of moisture seeping from it, and waits for Kaidan to loosen his death-grip before releasing him altogether and crawling back up the bed. His mouth barely leaves Kaidan’s skin for a moment - leaving constant and burning kisses all the way from his dick to his lips - and Kaidan growls when their mouths connect, rolling Shepard over and pinning him to the bed with his body weight.

 

“I wasn’t ready for it to be over,” he says, so matter-of-fact like he hadn’t just been sucked within an inch of his life.

 

Shepard’s grin is smug and wicked, and Kaidan wastes no time in kissing it away. His dick is painfully tight, but he ignores it in favor of soaking up the sensation of Kaidan’s lips against his own. They’re tasting and exploring like it’s the very first time, and in a way, it is. The first time they’ve been this close, this intimate. The first time they’ve shared more than just their bodies with each other. Shepard takes possession of a tiny piece of Kaidan’s soul, exchanges it for a piece of his own. There are no words between them; none need to be spoken. When Kaidan begins the slow move down Shepard’s body, there’s only a sigh - of contentment, of relief, of profound peace and happiness.

 

Kaidan takes John into his mouth, and it’s simultaneously tender and fierce. Shepard holds on for dear life - to Kaidan’s hair, to the rumpled covers, to the slats in the headboard. His body soars along with his heart as the waves of pleasure crash over and through him, and he feels that euphoric release inching ever closer. Kaidan stops before he gets there, the same self-satisfied gleam in his eyes that Shepard had possessed a few moments ago.

 

Shepard reaches for the bedside table, for condoms and lube that he’d stashed in an elaborate hope that they’d be ready for them tonight. Kaidan takes the hint without the words having to be said, and gets to work teasing John with slick fingers. Their bodies are trembling now. The ache has turned persistent - from simmering to an all-out boil, rolling and churning through them both. The fingers inside him are gentle and experienced, knowing exactly how to make John feel like he’s being turned inside out. His nerves are alight within him, every touch excruciating pleasure. He hears the desperation in his breaths, the pleading undertone of his gasps and moans, as Kaidan’s fingers plunge and twist and stroke. With his free hand, Kaidan is doing wondrous things - teasing John’s cock like feathers, gently tugging at his balls, then firmly gripping his dick for a few magnificent strokes. There are kisses, too, light and fleeting on his belly and dick and balls, and John’s dying again - soaring above the mortal world where only dreams and fantasies can exist.

 

It’s his turn to beg. “Kaidan _please_ ,” all drawn out and suspenseful because he cannot tolerate another second of this agony.

 

Kaidan obliges him, replacing fingers with his hard dick. It’s a slow, delicious, inevitable slide as their bodies are joined into one, molded and shaped to fit one another in the most perfect way possible. John thrusts up; Kaidan thrusts down, and they’re moving - the duet, the dance - climbing, climbing toward the finish. Shepard digs in, grinds himself upward, pulls Kaidan toward him with clumsy, groping fingers. Kaidan’s breaths are harsh against his chin, eyes screwed shut in a vain attempt to stave off the inexorable orgasm that’s about to overtake them both.

 

There’s been months of build up to this final crescendo, and no force of nature could prevent it now. “Look at me,” John entreats, and Kaidan does, curling his fingers around Shepard’s dick and his toes into the blanket. And they fall. Over the edge and into the oblivion their bodies have been craving for days and weeks and months. And it burns like nothing ever has. John’s heart is full, his mind is blank, and his body is overloaded with the searing rush of his climax. He calls Kaidan’s name, loud and urgent.

 

“Oh, god,” Kaidan pants as his body shivers then collapses. He buries his face in John’s neck - deep, ragged breaths rattling through him.

 

John’s fingers comb his hair, tease his shoulder blades and the curve of his ears. And they say it again because it needs to be known. “I love you.”

 

Sleep is peaceful and dreamless.


	7. Chapter 7

_[Art by Solstheimart](http://solstheimart.tumblr.com/post/174631145231/i-had-the-absolute-pleasure-of-working-with) _

 

Kaidan proposes on Christmas with both their families gathered all around them. Down on one knee, cheesy and romantic, and Shepard blushes and tells him _yes._ Then he digs in his pocket for the ring he’d bought, and they laugh because they’d had the same thought. And they kiss because they can, and it’s bursting with joy and the promise of forever.

 

In January, they sell John’s house, which was paid for, and use the money to pay off Kaidan’s, which is larger. Two families merge into one, and there are arguments and squabbles, there’s fun and laughter, and underneath it all, there is love and more love. John knows he’s finally found that something that had been missing in his life; Kaidan is relieved to know that once-in-a-lifetime love can happen more than once.

 

It’s June - one year and one month since he’d stumbled into the back of a handsome stranger’s car and set his life on an irreversible path - and Shepard stands in front of the mirror appraising his appearance. Janie is behind him, smiling a watery smile. The last time he’d gotten married, he’d worn his dress blues, and it had proven to be a bad omen. Besides, he figures they’re overkill for a beachside wedding. Instead, he wears a white button up, khaki chinos, and flip-flops, which will be ditched as soon as they hit the sand.

 

“Well?” he asks, straightening his collar.

 

“You look like a million bucks, Johnny,” she says as a tear spills down her cheek.

 

“Jesus, don’t _cry_.”

 

“It’s not every day my brother gets married.”

 

John heads into the guest bathroom for the mouthwash. “Well,” he says, hand poised in the air, clutching the bottle, “this is the absolute last time I get married.” He aims the bottle’s neck toward his sister’s reflection to punctuate his statement.

 

Jane rolls her eyes. “If you botch this one, I’ll never forgive you.”

 

“I didn’t single-handedly botch the last one,” he protests after spitting his mouthwash into the sink.

 

“I know. I’m _mostly_ teasing,” she tells him with a devious grin. “But I like Kaidan. He’s good for you. And for Ash.”

 

John nods in agreement with her wisdom, then kneels on the floor by the bed to find his flip-flops. Ashley meets him in the doorway, hair fixed prettily, for once, with the help of Liara, and wearing her yellow sundress. John wonders what kinds of emotions he’ll be having on _her_ wedding day, then decides this is not the moment for speculation. “You look pretty, Ash,” he grunts as he drags his shoe from under the bed. Ashley murmurs her thanks, though he knows she’s miserable in that dress. His daughter is the biggest tomboy the world has seen since Janie was a little girl. “You got your swimsuit on underneath?” John figures he owes it to her for making her wear the dress Janie had picked out.

 

“Yes, sir!” she beams, mood brightening considerably.

 

“Good.” He stands and slips on the shoes. “Alright, let’s go.”

 

Jane exits first, insisting that the men are not allowed to see each other before the ceremony. John doesn’t point out that they’d woken up in the same bed that morning and seen a lot of each other - an awful lot. Ignorance is bliss sometimes. He indulges her delusions anyway, waiting obediently at the top of the stairs for the all clear. Jane and Ash are strapped into the Jeep when he arrives, and John backs out of the garage quickly.

 

“Shit!” he exclaims, slamming on the brakes. “Ring!”

 

“Mom says you shouldn’t swear in front of me,” Ash calls as he dashes toward the door.

 

“What mom doesn’t know won’t hurt her,” he yells back, ignoring Janie’s loud insistence that this attitude is part of the reason Liara had left him in the first place. _Touche_ , he thinks.

 

He skids around the corner toward the stairs, and crashes right into Kaidan, dressed in a matching outfit. John’s smile is wide and delirious. “Hey,” he croons, slipping his arms around Kaidan’s waist and stealing a kiss.

 

“Hey,” Kaidan says, grinning stupidly and stealing a kiss right back.

 

“You’re looking particularly hot today. Got any plans for later?” His eyebrows twitch and his smile deepens like he’s just made the most hilarious joke on the planet.

 

The fact that Kaidan laughs at his corny joke is evidence of his insanity, John thinks, or maybe just evidence that he’s insanely in love. “I’ve got a date with this gorgeous guy,” Kaidan says, leaning in for one more kiss.

 

“Should I be jealous?”

 

“Aunt Janie’s gonna be mad,” David pipes up from behind them, exasperated with their silly display.

 

“Yes, she is!”

 

John and Kaidan turn to face her, noticing her aggravated stance, her tapping foot. “Sorry,” they say in unison, then “See you in a few.” Then they laugh, because they’re ridiculous, and kiss each other one more time. Kaidan heads out the front door; John races up the stairs to retrieve the ring.

 

_[Art by Solstheimart](http://solstheimart.tumblr.com/post/174631145231/i-had-the-absolute-pleasure-of-working-with) _

 

They get married on the beach as the sun is beginning to set, with all their friends and family gathered around. The kids are collecting seashells because it’s more fun than watching their dads kiss. John and Kaidan are kissing because it’s more fun than just about anything else they could be doing at the moment. They drive away from the simple ceremony in John’s Jeep and are only halfway to the hotel when Shepard pulls the car off onto a secluded backroad. His palms are sweaty and his heart is racing as he turns to his husband with a ludicrous smile and says:

 

“Ever had sex in the backseat of a Jeep?”

 

**The End**

 

_[Art by Solstheimart](http://solstheimart.tumblr.com/post/174631145231/i-had-the-absolute-pleasure-of-working-with) _

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, commenting, and kudosing! I know I've been pretty quiet in the fandom lately, but my life is chaos, atm. Just know that I miss y'all and am still here. I'll be writing some things periodically, though it will be much less frequent than before. I hate it, but that's just the nature of things at the moment! 
> 
> I'll still try to pop in on Tumblr from time to time if you want to stop in and say hi! [ellebeedarling](http://ellebeedarling.tumblr.com)
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


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